My Higher Power is John Stamos
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
