i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
well you can't waste a boner
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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