A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
