I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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