Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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