I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
