I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im holly from the hills drunk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
