i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
