At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
