I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
