No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
