If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Mom said you looked used
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
