We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
how drunk are you?
Several
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
