I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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