Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
