i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
