Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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