I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
