I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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