i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
