I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
