I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
