Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
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I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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