I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
