Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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