Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
