Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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