Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML

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(703): View more from Virginia

something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE

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(386): View more from Florida

for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable

(1-386): View more from Florida

apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop

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