Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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