if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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