if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
