You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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