Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
