She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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