How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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