the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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