I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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