the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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