I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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