How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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