I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
