I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
