took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
