When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
