Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
