I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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