tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
