Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
