dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
