what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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