apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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