I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize