We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
