The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
