She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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